Am i lost or just less found?

So i have been doing some gut checking recently, and while i know the end is worth wild the means are far from enjoyable. Over the past six months i don't have much to show for this. If i can be honest with myself, i would rather die now than know that i will spend the rest of my life as what some have called a tame safe life in suburbia America where i go to church and attend sunday school and write checks so that i feel that i am being all God has created me to be. This has been my path the past six months... and if this is where God wants me to be, then i will glorify him, here, now, but i will not allow the call of God to be drowned out by meetings, bills, and alarm clocks.

I am not saying that i haven't learned anything through this, i have, trust me. I am so blessed to be able to be in this position now, but this is not where i long to be. I love my job, i love architecture, i love getting paid, and having nice things, and there are countless ways to serve God here and now. But i find that i long for more. For those that know me, this will sound weird at best, but i really want some tattoos and a piercing and to go to some place far away and just live simply serving God's people returning occasionally to write about my experience. Not because i find it romantic or edgy or the 'in thing', but because i want to fulfill the purpose for which i was created for.

And this has been so hard to even deal with, and half the time i think i am crazy, i actually hope i am, cause most people thought Jesus was a little crazy. But i cannot continue to know my savior and not be radical, i cannot claim to know the truth and not be changed by it, and i cannot see what i have seen and experience what i have experienced and not move to proclaim the hope which i cling to. For now that means being here in Houston, but who knows what is next. I know that in God's mercy he is using this time for a purpose that i cannot see yet, and that i need for my heart to come closer to his and to be patient for his timing. I have been saying that no matter my circumstances, if my chief goal is to glorify Christ then i can't lose because my joy is found in eternity and not in my circumstances...

i have the words and a link to Brooke Fraser's C.S. Lewis Song below, i believe that finding her music has been an answered prayer for me. She is an incredible song writer and her heart for Christ is something that i long for and this particular song really says what my soul is searching through...

C.S. Lewis Song by Brooke Fraser

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

[CHORUS]
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become
[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live,
I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming